


bodies are overrated anyway

by crumpled_up



Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 5 +1 things, F/M, Gen, little bit of fluff and sap, lots of robots were killed though, may likes to mess with coulson, my sarcastic response to S7 so far, no bodies were harmed in the making of this, pranks ensue, season 7 spoilers beware, try not to take this too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25229866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumpled_up/pseuds/crumpled_up
Summary: 5 things that Coulson inhabits while waiting for a new body.
Relationships: Phil Coulson & Melinda May, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Series: July 2020 Camp NaNoWriMo of May/Coulson fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812664
Comments: 18
Kudos: 53





	bodies are overrated anyway

**Author's Note:**

> This is just my sarcastic response to everything that has happened this season. I couldn't help myself. Expect more of this to come. Enjoy!

**one**

"How's living inside a VCR and TV screen?" May asked. "Is it everything you ever dreamed of?"

"I know I'm not the rockstar that Deke is, but it's definitely not quite as fun as you think." Coulson sighed. "But, to Deke's credit, he's made it as comfortable as he possibly could for me. Except for when Cricket was around." He flickered on the screen for a moment. "Guy gave me the creeps. Not to mention he made the most _horrible_ home made videos I've ever seen."

May raised an eyebrow. "I'm not sure I want to know."

"You don't."

"How are these new guys?"

"They've come a very long way, trust me. Deke is pretty good with them. Mack shaped them up. How's it been for the last twenty months?"

"Blissfully quiet."

Coulson frowned. "I really hope that's not a dig at me and more at Deke."

"One chatterbox on the team is enough."

"I missed you too, May," he said deadpan.

"I said it was good to see you, not that I'm happy you're back."

"You're just full of loving comments today, aren't you? I haven't seen you in almost two years and this is how you treat me?"

She merely raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind," he sighed. "You know what I've been thinking about? How cool it'd be to just be like Jarvis."

"Why does that sound familiar?"

"Stark's AI before he turned into Vision," he replied. "Anyway, he could talk and have a sense of humor while running everything for Stark. I could do that, right?"

"So, you don't want a body?"

"Of course I want a body! I mean I could do that stuff while waiting right?"

She nodded. "I suppose. Could be useful. I could ask you what the longest word in the English language is, and you would-- 

"I actually know that one! It's--"

"You know the best thing about the fact that you're trapped in that box?" May said with a mischievous glint in her eye. "Is the fact that there's an off button." She flipped the switch and the screen went blank.

"Ouch, that is cold, May," Deke said coming up to inspect the TV. "But we needed to turn him off anyway and prep him for transport. He can't live in that box forever."

May stepped away. "Do what you have to do."

**two**

"Here's your new body."

"That's a toaster, May," Coulson said from one of the screens in the break room on the Zephyr. "What do you--"

"Make it work," she said, arms folded.

"What? How am I going to do that from a screen?"

"I don't know. You're the immortal robot now."

"I can't just inhabit random equipment and appliances and fix them for you."

"Who said it was broken? I want toast. And I want to see if you can make it work."

Coulson sighed. "Seriously? This is what I've been reduced to?"

"You're the one who thought it would be cool to be a living AI like Stark's Jarvis."

"Jarvis was awesome!"

"And didn't he basically run everything for Stark? So, make me toast. You remember how I like it, don't you?"

"If you plug it in, I should be able to access it," he grumbled. "Toaster. This is a new kind of evil for you, May. And that's saying something, considering I was a victim of many of your pranks back in the day."

"As I remembered it, you loved every moment of that."

"No, I loved it when I wasn't the victim. Pranking Barton was the best. I still don't know how you got a can of whip cream to spray in his face when he pulled back on his bow string."

"I'll never tell."

"He never got you back for that, did he?"

"He tried. And failed. Multiple times."

Coulson chuckled. "I miss those days."

"Back when you had a body. Back when you weren't in charge of my toast. If you burn it, I will unplug you."

"Even when I had a body I was still in charge of your food. Now I'm starting to think I should've been a little meaner."

Two pieces of bread popped up from the toaster with a small ding. Both were perfectly lightly toasted, just how she liked them. "Thank you," she said as she grabbed both slices and started spreading jam on them. "They're perfect."

"You're welcome." He stared longingly at her food. "I miss eating."

"Did you even eat when you were an LMD?"

"I could, but it didn't hold the same appeal as when I was a human."

May bit into her toast. "I'm sorry."

He glared at her. "No, you're not. I knew I should've burned them a little bit."

**three**

"Time to wake up, Agent May!"

May's eyes snapped open and bolted out of bed, breathing hard. "What the hell is going on?"

"Time to wake up, Agent May!"

"The fuck?" She grappled around for the light switch, then flipped it on and blinked in the harsh light. She stumbled to the door and cracked it open, but no one was there.

"Time to wake up, Agent May!"

She slammed the door shut and glanced at her smart watch, only to find Coulson's smirking face reflecting back at her. She ripped it off and threw it on the bed as he laughed.

"You are so lucky you're not an actual alarm clock," she growled at the watch. "I'd smash you into pieces right now."

"Why do you think I took over your watch instead of the clock?" he said, still laughing. "Oh, that was priceless. The look on your face--" He broke out into more chuckles. "It's gotta be a loooong time since someone could prank you."

"Daisy tried before a few years ago."

"Oh yeah, for Halloween. You got her good though. That severed head in her bed..." Coulson shuddered. "I could hear her scream clear across the base."

"When you get a body, I'm going to sever your head," May threatened as she fixed up her bed. "And make you listen to Enoch talk for hours until he puts you back together."

"Now, that's just mean, May. All I gave you was a little wake up call."

"What time is it anyway?"

"Almost 5am. So you would've woken up soon anyway."

"I hate you." She grabbed the watch and stuck him in a drawer.

"May--"

"I'm going to get ready and change. You're staying in there until I'm done." She slammed it shut.

"I'm pretty sure it's nothing I haven't seen before," came his muffled reply.

"I don't care."

When she was done, she grabbed him out of the drawer. "Oh, finally, some light," he said. "That drawer reminded me of when I was stuck in that TV. Those were some dark times. Lots of introspection on the meaning of life, of--"

"I don't care," May repeated as she strapped him on her wrist, and made her way to the cockpit. "Talk to Enoch about your self reflection."

"Aw, but, May, I always talk to you about stuff like this."

"Not after you wake me up in the middle of the night."

"May, it's lonely being stuck in electronics like this."

"You wanted this, remember? We could've kept you silent in your little hard drive until your body was ready, but you insisted on being the next Jarvis."

"Because I missed you guys. I missed the team. I missed you."

"You know what I don't miss? Being woken up early."

"Who are you talking to, May?" Simmons asked as she passed by.

May held out her wrist to show her Coulson on her watch. "Can you do something about this? I think he's broken."

"Oh, that's where you went! I've been looking all over for you, Coulson. May I?"

"Please." May took off the watch and handed him over. "Just take him away."

Coulson frowned. "That's mean, May. You can't just hand me off like someone else's problem--"

"Actually," Simmons said, pointedly interrupting. "I wanted to talk to you about your new body upgrades."

"Oooh, is it almost done?"

"Nearly. But there are a few tweaks I want to go over with you..."

May sighed as she took Coulson away. Good riddance. But she had to admit, that was quite a good prank. He didn't need to know that though.

**four**

"How do we always get stuck in these situations?" Daisy groused as they hid in a dark room.

"What, always getting chased down by robots everywhere we turn?" Mack said as he readied his shotgun ax. "Yeah, tell me about it. Too bad we're not back in 1982 where they were still toys."

"Both of you, shut up," May hissed as she peeked out the window. "Okay, they're gone. Anyone got any ideas on how to get back to the Zephyr? We've only got," she glanced at her watch. "About four more hours until the next jump."

"More like four hours and thirteen minutes," Coulson said from her watch.

She groaned. "Same thing, Coulson."

"You never know, those thirteen minutes could make the difference of you getting back or not."

Daisy chuckled. "Oh, I am so glad he's stuck on your watch and not mine."

"Ditto," Mack said.

"Wanna trade?" May said, holding out her wrist. "He doesn't stop."

"Nope," Daisy said with a grin. "Gives you more time to bond."

"Why don't you just take off your watch?" Mack said. "Stuff him in a drawer or your sock or something."

"Already tried that. He gets more annoying."

"Annoying how?" Daisy asked, glancing through her window. "Is that even possible?"

"Oh, please don't ask him to be more annoying," Mack muttered as he looked through another window. "The last time he wouldn't stop rattling off all the achievements Peggy Carter did in her lifetime."

"Well, at least he didn't start singing at you when you went to take a shower," May said. "And I even stuffed him in a drawer in another room."

Daisy had to shove her fist in her mouth to stop from laughing out loud. "He was serenading you? That's sweet."

"Not when it's one of Deke's songs."

"That he stole from the 80s," Mack added. "Breakfast Club?"

"He just didn't want you to forget about him, May," Daisy said between giggles.

"You guys talk like I'm not here," Coulson said with a distinct pout. "That's just mean. All of you."

"You really need your body back," May muttered. "You were somehow less annoying."

"Well, now you've got four hours to get back, and maybe Simmons will have my body ready by then."

"Oh, that is all the motivation we need."

"We need more eyes outside," Mack said as he eyed another robot. "It's hard to tell how many robots there are patrolling this place."

"If I had my computer, I could try to hack into their security feed," Daisy said, pointing to one of the cameras outside.

"What if we got someone else to?" May looked down at her watch. "Are you done pouting now? Ready to get some real work done?"

Coulson sighed. "Fine. But you're going to have to get me much closer to the camera from here. Get me to the pole it's attached to, then I can get in. Assuming the Chronicoms don't figure me out and either kill me or wipe me out."

"Don't tempt me," May said. "Okay, I'll get Coulson to the camera, you two stay put until I give the signal."

"Or I do," Coulson pointed out.

"Whatever." May slipped out of the room, avoided a few more robots and made her way to the camera Daisy pointed out. "How close do you need to be?"

"Ideally, right up next to it. Like if you can put your watch on the camera."

"I thought you just had to get near it."

"It'll take longer. Come on, May. This is your wheelhouse."

"Maybe it would've been easier to get Daisy to hack in from a stolen laptop or something."

"Are you doubting my skills? I've learned a lot, you know. Daisy helped me learn some hacking tools and gave me some tips."

"I'm doubting my ability to get up to the camera without getting spotted by killer robots. I'm not in my twenties anymore." She spied a ladder leading up into the ceiling and headed that way. "Any camera right? Because if I spot another one on the way, that's how you're getting in."

"I have faith in you."

May climbed up the ladder and into the ceiling full of wires and pipes. Their mission was to plant bombs in this robot making factory, which was the easy part. Getting out proved to be a little more difficult. She followed a bundle of wires, then lifted up one of the ceiling tiles only to find it lead to a TV instead of a camera. She continued doing that until she peeked into one room that looked familiar.

"How about the security room itself?" May whispered.

Coulson nodded.

She pulled out a knife from her boot, then jumped down and stabbed the security robot in the neck, before dragging the body away and smashing its head in for good measure. She removed her watch and placed it on the console.

"How's it looking, Coulson?"

After a few silent seconds, the screens around her flickered with Coulson's face. "How do I look? Handsome?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just get to work."

"You still remember your morse code?"

She nodded.

"Good. I hope Mack or Daisy do. That will be your signal." Coulson paused. "Uh oh. You better head back to them." A screen flickered to life showing a group of four robots encroaching where Daisy and Mack were hiding. "Hey, don't forget about me before you blow this place."

May grabbed the watch. "I won't."

"Promise?"

"Simmons would kill me if I left you here. What do I have to do?"

"Stick the watch on any electronic device that's plugged into this building and I should be able to get back."

"I'll be on the look out. Good luck."

May rushed back to Mack and Daisy just in time to stab the last robot in the neck before it could grab Daisy.

"Nice timing," Mack said. "Now how the hell do we get out?"

"Uh, why is that light flickering?" Daisy said pointing to a light bulb down an empty corridor. "I'm guessing that's where we need to go?"

"Hope you've brushed up on your morse code," May said. "Coulson says this area is clear. Let's go."

"Ugh, morse code is so old school," Daisy grumbled.

"Explains why Coulson would pick that," Mack said. "He probably feels like an old school spy."

"What, because he didn't get enough of that when we went back to the 30s and 50s?"

"Actually," May said as she checked to see if the next hallway was clear. "We used it quite a bit to communicate early on in our careers. Saved our asses a few times. Until we figured out how to work better with each other."

"No shit," Mack said. "That is pretty cool."

"Wait here," May whispered, staring at the next flickering light bulb. "Not clear yet."

"How do you read those flashes?" Daisy whispered back. "It doesn't look like a message."

"Exactly. Coulson and I developed a way to make it not as obvious, but it's still morse code at the end of the day."

"Damn, guess those legendary tales they always told in the Academy were true after all," Mack said with a grin. "I mean working with you two now for the last few years, I can see why you two are legends. But it always amazes me to see you two in action."

"More like lessons learned the hard way," May said. "What they won't tell you in the Academy is how many times we nearly died and screwed up beforehand. Okay, we're almost out. On me. Let's go."

May led them down the next two hallways before she stopped and pushed them into an empty alcove. "Shit. We're gonna have to fight our way out of the last hall. Coulson says there's at least four robots waiting for us on the other side of that door. Guess the Chronicoms figured out our plans. Or do you want to wait to see if Coulson can find us another way out?"

"Four? Show me where," Daisy said. "I'll quake them to death."

May took her flashlight and flickered it at the nearest camera. "Two right at the door. Two are roaming up and down the hallway. Then we make a break for the exit. And..." May tried not to roll her eyes.

"And what?" Mack said as he pumped his shotgun.

"To not forget him. You two good to take these robots out while I go and get Coulson?" They nodded. "Daisy, go."

Daisy quaked the door and marched through the entrance as she continued to push the two robots against the wall. Mack rushed in after her and pumping shot after shot into the next robot. May lunged after the last robot with her knife, then spied what looked like an electrical box. Bingo.

"Daisy, take care of this one!" May called out as she headed toward the box. Another robot blocked her path. "Damn, you guys just don't stop."

"We're not letting you out of here," the Chronicom said, as he reached out and grabbed May by the throat and shoved her up against the wall next to the box.

May tried to kick the robot away as he tightened his grip around her throat. Her vision started to blacken around the edges as she reached out to the box. Just a little farther and her watch would make contact.

The Chronicom grabbed her wrist and bent it back and she cried out in pain. "You think we're so stupid we'll let you get him back?"

May tried to kick the robot again, only for it to be flung back and out through the exit door as Daisy quaked it. "You okay?" Daisy asked as she pulled her up.

May nodded. "Thanks." Then placed her watch against the electrical box.

"May!" Mack called out as he tossed her his shotgun ax. "Behind you."

She didn't hesitate and swung the ax blindly behind her and watched as the Chronicom's head went flying. "Thanks." She handed him back the gun and grabbed her watch. "That gun comes in handy."

"Sure does. You get Coulson?"

She tapped the screen. "You back, Coulson?"

Her screen flickered for a second, then his face popped up. "Phew, that was close. Good to be back."

"Let's get the hell outta here," Mack said as he slung the gun over his back. "I'm done with these robots."

"Can I press the button, please?" Coulson asked.

When they were out of blasting radius, May nodded down at him. "Hit it."

Coulson grinned. "Boom."

**five**

May held her breath as she banked hard left in the Quinjet as she avoided another set of missiles. She had been playing cat and mouse with these Chronicoms for the last half an hour in an effort to distract them from attacking the Zephyr. When they would get too close the Z1, she would circle back and attack them, and get them to follow her. It worked for the most part, but somehow they kept sending plane after plane after her.

"It's working, May," Simmons' voice crackled over the comms. "Keep it going just a little longer. Enoch is doing his best to steer clear of a majority of the fighting."

May glanced down at her radar. Another squadron of four planes. How they hell could they rebuild this quickly? "Where they hell are they coming from?"

"They're stealing the military planes and faces. Mack took everybody else to try and stop them."

"Damn it. Tell Enoch to hurry the hell up."

"I'm doing the best I can, Agent May," his deep voice came over the line. "You do have firearms on the Quinjet."

"I can't use them while I'm too busy dodging. Shit." She did a loop and shot down one plane. "It's not like I have a co-pilot."

"Actually, I believe you do," Enoch said. "Now, I need to concentrate. Good luck, Agent May."

"Dammit!" May swerved again. She was alone on the plane. How could she have a co-pilot? Then she glanced down at her watch. Duh. She took off her watch and slammed it on the console. "Hey, Coulson, wake up. Coulson! Are you there?"

She tapped the screen, but only her smart watch interface lit up. "Damn it. Coulson, I need you to respond. _Now._ You better not be pouting because I stuffed you in a drawer again. This is life or death!"

Blank screen.

She grunted as she took another hard turn. "Silent treatment? Really, at a time like this? Fine. If I get shot down, this is on you." She hit the thrusters as she did a few more complicated maneuvers to avoid the latest attack. "I'm sorry, is that what you want to hear? I'm sorry that I've been shoving you in drawers when you get annoying. Simmons tells me your body is almost ready. When you're back in your body, I'll make it up to you. Right now, I really could use a partner."

Her watch screen flickered to life and she let out a sigh of relief. "Sorry, were you talking to me?" Coulson said. "I think something went wrong and I missed most of what you said. All I got was you need a partner?"

"Yes! Can you take control of the weapons on this Quinjet?" She narrowly avoided another missile. "I need to fire back."

"Give me a sec." The watch screen blinked out. "Okay, can you hear me?" he asked over the speakers.

"Yes. Now shoot those bastards down." She barrel rolled out the way and banked hard to get behind the remaining squadron.

"With pleasure."

May barely registered one plane going down as she avoided the debris and the other two planes. "Two left. Getting into position now."

"Uh, May--"

"What?"

"Check your radar."

"Shit." A new squadron of five planes appeared. She hit her comms. "Enoch and Simmons! Can do you anything about the new squadron that just appeared?"

"We are trying, Agent May," Enoch replied. "Give us a few more minutes to deploy our weapons. They seemed to be jammed after we got hit."

"Of course they did. Why are we always fighting robots?" she muttered. "Coulson, how much ammo do we have left?"

"Not much. If we make every hit count, we could survive. Unless you wanna go all Top Gun on them."

She was thinking the same thing. "Good thing you don't have a real body right now."

Coulson sighed. "We're going all Top Gun, aren't we? Yeah, definitely glad I don't have a human body for this. Last time you did this for fun, I thought I died."

She smirked. "You only passed out a couple times. And then threw up a few more. If it makes you feel better, not even Barton could've gotten out of that one unscathed." She flew into position. "Get ready. Let's see if I've still got it."

"Oh boy."

May taunted the Chronicoms into a game of cat and mouse, zooming past them in loops. Once they took the bait, she made dizzying moves that almost made her pass out a few times before she spotted the formation she wanted. "Get ready, Coulson. One last pass... Now!"

He fired off a missile that hit the wing of one plane. As it careened off to the right, it crashed into another plane, which hit another plane in a domino effect. 

Coulson let out a whoop. "What now, stupid Chronicoms?" 

The remaining planes fired off missiles at May, who hit the thrusters again as she tried to stay ahead of them.

"We still have flares," Coulson said. "Do you want to use them?"

"Hell yeah. Fire them now!"

May sped out of the way as the missiles made impact. "I'm guessing we're almost out?"

"I've got one missile left. Let's make it count, May."

"Roger that." She went after the two remaining planes by flying between them to catch their attention, then heading straight up as they fired off more missiles. She looped around them in a nosedive, gripping the controls tightly. She rarely used this particular move because it put so much strain on the plane, and on herself.

"Uh, May--" Coulson started.

"Just a little longer," she muttered. "Come on, stay with me."

"We're dropping rapidly here. I hope you have a plan, May!"

"I flew through a fucking gravity storm, I can do this. Just shut up and let me fly."

May banked hard to the left and grinned when she heard the explosions of the two planes colliding.

"Incoming!" Coulson yelled. "Missiles on our six!"

She yanked back hard on the controls trying not to pass out as the Quinjet went vertically up. Pushing the thrusters as fast as she could, she kept shooting straight up until she could loop behind the missiles. "Fire!"

The incoming missiles went up in a cloud of smoke and debris as she zoomed through and let out the biggest sigh of relief.

Coulson let out a loud whoop. "Hell yeah! All bogeys down. You did it, May! I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are the best goddamned pilot on the planet."

She smiled as she sagged in her seat. "Thanks, partner. Couldn't have done it without you."

"Hey, you did all the hard work, May." The watch flickered back on with Coulson's grinning face. "That was fucking insane."

"Agent May, are you all right?" Enoch said through her comms.

"I'm fine, Enoch. Please tell me there aren't any more planes coming for us."

"I believe you got them all. Well done, Agent May. I've never seen such incredible flying before."

"May," Simmons came on the line. "I'm so sorry I couldn't get our weapons activated. They're still jammed. But Mack's team seems to have disabled the rest of their plane factory and need a ride back. Once they're all back, maybe he and Deke can take a look."

May nodded with a small smile. "Copy that. I'll pick them up now."

"Oh man," Coulson said, still grinning. "Wait 'til the team hears about this. This is fucking legendary. Bet all your flight instructors would've shit a brick if they saw this."

She grinned. "Barton's gonna be fucking jealous."

Coulson laughed. "Hell yeah he is. You're fucking amazing, May. You can celebrate this win, you know. You deserve it."

She smiled in victory.

_one_

Coulson blinked awake as his sensors came into focus. He looked down at his brand new body. It looked and felt the same as his previous body. His left hand worked after a quick flex. He could even wiggle his toes. Who knew how much he'd miss having a body?

"Admiring your new body?"

He looked up and grinned when he found May standing in front of him, holding up his favorite black and white striped tie. "It's good to have a body. And it's really good to see you in the flesh, and not through a screen."

"I don't know, I think I liked you on the screen better."

"Oh really?" he said as he stepped out of his pod and stood in front of her. "I seem to remember you complaining very loudly about how much you wished I had a body so I could stop annoying you."

She groaned. "You were extremely annoying when you took over my watch."

"Well, you turned me into a toaster. It was only fair."

"I was just testing your abilities to see if you could take over electronic appliances. You came in handy with the Quinjet after all."

He stepped even closer. "Uh huh. And that had nothing to do with wanting to torture me because you could?"

"I would never."

"Are you going to tie my tie?" he whispered as he leaned in even closer. "Or do you want to torture me some more?"

May reached up, brushing her fingers over his shoulders, and flipped up his collar. As, she looped the silk around his neck he tried to not let it affect him. The little brushes against his chest drove him crazy. It was times like these he wished he wasn't as sensitive. He supposed he could turn down the sensitivity, but then he would miss out on moments like this. Moments that seemed so normal between the two of them.

"I seem to remember you saying you owe me one?" he said.

Her eyes narrowed up at him as she tugged on his tie a little harder. "I thought you couldn't hear me."

He looked down at in with raised eyebrows, a perfect picture of innocence. "I didn't." She tugged his tie again. "You were kind of cutting in and out over the roar of the Quinjet--"

She tugged him down to her level. "So, are you calling it in now?"

He swallowed. She was so close, if he leaned in just a little more he could kiss her. If she wanted to, that was. But he was pretty sure that she wouldn't want to kiss a robot, and he was very sure he was the only one really feeling some kind of tension here. "As much as I'd like to..." God, this was torture. Maybe he should've stayed behind the screen instead. "I'll save that for a different day."

It must have been his imagination because he thought he caught a flash of disappointment on her face. "Suit yourself." She tugged the perfect Windsor knot up to his neck, flipped the collar down and smoothed out his tie so quickly he could barely enjoy it, but his wires felt like they were on fire.

Why the hell couldn't he just ask her for a kiss? "If I were to ask..."

"For what?" She held out his suit coat for him, which he slipped on. "It better not be for a ride on the Quinjet because I sure as hell am not doing that crazy maneuver again."

"That was some damn fine flying though." He grinned. "We never really celebrated that victory."

"I had a beer. I think Mack had two for you."

"It deserved more than one beer."

"If we had anything stronger, I would've taken that instead."

"But _we_ didn't celebrate." He tugged his sleeves into place. "Usually we do."

May came around to his side and leaned her hip against the table. "What did you have in mind?"

"I want to kiss you," he blurted out. _Goddammit, Phil. Way to open your fucking mouth._ "Uh, I... That's not what I meant to say."

May, for the most part, looked amused for her state. "So, do you want to kiss me or not?"

_Okay, Phil. You can do this. Be cool._ "I will if you want me to."

"I'm asking if _you_ want to, Phil."

"I really do," he said, defeated. "It's pathetic, I know. And I'm a robot and--"

"Are you ever going to shut up?"

He turned to her when he felt her fingers ghost under his chin. "I'm sure you can find a way," he mumbled right before he leaned in to press his lips against hers. It was a simple, yet breathtaking kiss that made every single one of his wires come alive. His entire body hummed with life. He pulled back before it go any further.

"Um..."

The wild look in May's eyes made his nerves jump in a way he hadn't felt before. Could she... feel something? "May, are you...?"

Instead, she ran her fingers through his hair until she cupped the back of his head and pulled him down again. He didn't mind kissing her again. He definitely didn't mind when she deepened the kiss. This time, he was so sure he would overheat and explode. God, it'd be so worth it though. Death by kiss would be the best way to go. He wasn't sure how they would explain this one to Simmons though.

He pulled back, breathless. "Maybe I should blow up my body more often if this is the welcome I get."

She rolled her eyes and playfully shoved him back half a step.

"For the record, this is not the favor that you owe me."

May smirked. "I'll let this one go for free," she said as she tugged on his coat lapel and straightened his tie. There was actual humor in her eyes, as well as a challenge. "Next one will cost you."

His May was coming back. He could feel it. Maybe if he kissed her a few more times, more of her feelings would return. It was worth testing out that theory. No matter the cost. It was worth all the torture she put him through to get a body if this was the end result.

He grinned as he followed her out of the room. "I can't wait."

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly, I will not make my ridiculous goal of 31 fics by the end of this month, but I think I can crank out a few more of these 5 things types of fics. They're fun and super easy to write. I do have plenty of other ideas in store, I just need more time. So stay tuned if you'd like.


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